Hey. I’m 14 and I’ve never fingered myself. I’ve done other things, but the thought of fingering myself just seems gross. A couple times, I’ve tried to, but then I get to thinking about how gross vaginas are, and I chicken out. I know this is irrational, but do you have any advice on getting over this? Thanks.
Heather Corinna replies:
Well, I don’t think vaginas or vulvas (or penises or anuses or mouths or ears or eyes or fingers or kidneys—any body parts) are gross. I think they’re really freaking cool and totally fascinating, whether I’m talking or thinking about my own, or all vulvas or vaginas. But you’re making it quite clear that you feel this way, and I wish I knew more about why.
No matter what, you don’t have to ever masturbate or touch yourself in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Masturbation is about seeking our own pleasure and comfort with our own bodies, which means that if there’s anything that doesn’t feel pleasurable or comfortable, we don’t have to do it, just like we don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel physically and emotionally good with a sexualpartner. There aren’t right or wrong ways to masturbate or have sex in this regard: just what feels right to the person or people involved. If you don’t want to put your fingers inside your vagina, you don’t have to, just like if you don’t want to touch your elbow you don’t have to, and you don’t have to stick your finger in your nose if you don’t want to do that.
A recent story about a teen who was bullied by her principal because she refused to attend an abstinence-only assembly has been getting a lot of attention in the news. The story has inspired my mother, Ann Werner, and I, to make our eBook, The Virgin Diaries free for three days on Amazon.
The Virgin Diaries is a collection of stories from seventy-two men and women. They anonymously describe what it was like for them to have sex for the first time. One of the female contributors in the book reports losing her virginity at the age of twelve. A seventy-seven year-old woman talks about losing her virginity at the age of fifteen and felt no remorse or regret. The fact is teens have sex. How old were you when you started becoming curious about sex? How old were you when you had sex? Did anyone give you good and practical advice? If your answer is yes, count yourself fortunate.
We are hoping that teens will take advantage of the offer so they can read a non-biased presentation of all the emotions involved with ‘going all the way.’ Contrary to what some young people might think, it’s usually not a wonderful and romantic experience. It’s interesting to note that the majority of contributors share that they didn’t receive any information, advice or guidance from parents, educators or religious figures. They were on their own, navigating through a confusing world, and many expressed they wish they had waited.
an amendment to the budget passed by the committee yesterday would prohibit providing or distributing condoms or other contraceptives on school grounds and ban any instruction that promotes “gateway sexual activity.” Teachers or organizations that violate this ban could be subject to lawsuits by parents as well as a $5,000 fine.
Ohio legislators provided a definition of “gateway sexual activity.” And, because teenage sexual behavior is so bad as to be felonious, they took the language straight from the state’s criminal code. So schools cannot promote:
“…any touching of an erogenous zone of another, including without limitation the thigh, genitals, buttock, pubic region, or, if the person is a female, a breast, for the purpose of sexually arousing or gratifying either person.”
I’m and 18 years old and have been having sex for a year and been on the pill for about a year. I take my birth control like a ritual at the same time every day (the combination pill). Sometime my boyfriend and I don’t use a condom in the beginning to get him hard then we always put one on. My question is, when on the pill do you absolutely have to use condoms? They say that every time you have sex you NEED to use a condom. I know it is the most effective way, but I thought that the one of the points of the pill is so you don’t need to use a condom.
Heather Corinna replies:
We get asked about this a lot; about whether once you have a more effective method of contraception than condoms, like a hormonal method or IUD, if they’re still needed to prevent pregnancy.
The only right answer to that question, no matter who asks it, is that it really depends on what you and your partner want and need.
The unfounded fear that young children will somehow become “impure” if they learn about a dirty subject like sex is deeply rooted in American culture. Our society assumes that human sexuality is dark, dangerous, and shameful — something we need to protect teens from, rather than teach them about. Teens consistently learn that it’s not okay to talk about sex because it’s supposed to be totally off-limits to them, constrained to the bounds of a traditional marriage. But this attitude has led to disastrous consequences: damaging women and LGBT Americans’ sense of sexual self-worth, fueling the STD epidemic, and creating a moral environment where rape culture has flourished. Americans desperately need to overhaul our outdated approach to sexuality, replacing our puritanism with an open, honest, nonjudgmental, sex-positive attitude that we work to instill in our kids from a young age.